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This is the last blog about him. 

My weekend was spent explaining to people how I got over him so quickly.  Shoot, I wouldn’t say I got over him quick enough.  

I had a rough time even deciding to break up with him. Together for 3 1/2 years, happy for one 1/2.  I can pin point the day things went sour.  He quit his job.  Reason, not really important.  [ok, it is, but it’s his business]  You would think that quitting your job meant, go look for a new one.  Instead it meant Bank of Ashley.  Not cool.  I am all for 50/50 in relationships, or even trying to go 60/40 because … you love them, why not?… but I would never expect someone to pay 100% or me to pay 100%.  

Back to the point, he didn’t think anything of it.  He was so selfish.  He figured he could live off the money he saved for x amount of months as long as I paid for all of out outings.  I confronted him.  I said “as long as you are looking for a job, I don’t mind paying for things, but being at home everyday and tanning while I work, is bullshit. You pay half.”  He agreed.  

I believe it was that moment on the Metro Gold Line we realized the honeymoon stage was over.  Pretty good long running honeymoon stage I must say. 

The next two years were spent trying to please each other, because that is what people in love do. The one landmark stands on our three year anniversary, when we were in Hawaii.  I couldn’t believe the change in our relationship, we were having a blast.  All of our problems were back in L.A.  I hate to admit it now because it’s such a fucking stupid idea, but we seriously contemplated not coming back.  I started talking to bartenders about jobs and he started talking to servers/lifeguards/surf rentals.  When the time came to leave and go home, we couldn’t happily do it.  We fought the whole last day.  When we came home, we didn’t see each other for a week.  Happy three year anniversary.  

He never liked my job, maybe because I still worked for the company he quit from, maybe cause it took [takes] up a lot of my time.  He never told me why, so I still guess.  Christmas season put an even bigger strain on our relationship because he hated that I was a manager and working overtime.  Hmmm…. something about that sounds so idiotic now, more than it did back then.  

I remember the second I decided I was going to break up with him.  Couple days after New Years, which by the way I did not get a New Year’s kiss…even though we were sitting together, I was driving home from an intense dance class where I heard Sade’s “Soldier of Love” [google it, it’ll make you fall in or out of love or if you’re like me you will be numb to love forever more] and bawling my eyes out.  I was so upset, how can someone I love and support so much, just not want to love and support me back.  I was just passing the Colorado Bridge in Pasadena, on the east 210 freeway.  I knew that him and I were no more.  I didn’t even call him that night, I took a shower and went to bed.  

Three days later, I drove to his house knowing, in fact, it was over.  I said “I have tried everything, I have threatened to break up with you, and yet, I am just one of the guys to you, a buddy.  I have not been your girlfriend for a long time, and I’m sick of it.  Let’s just walk away now, before further damage is done.”  He had no choice this time, it wasn’t a threat, it was me walking away.  I hoped he would beg me to stay, but he didn’t.  He had fear in his eyes, he knew I was serious.  He wasn’t okay, but didn’t know what to do.  I left. 

Honestly, that is that last I saw him face to face.  It was the last time I talked to him, and that was the last time I dialed his number.  

I was so distraught that night, my good friends Lindsey and Mike had me come over to their house to play Clue and drink wine.  I kept thinking [hoping] he would call me, or text me.  Nothing.  I thought I would wake up to a drunken phone call or text.  Nope.  I deleted his number out of my phone, I knew seeing his name would ruin me.  I never even saw his number.  

I messed with my own head a few times, driving by his house, or work.  I always told myself he would be waiting in my patio for me when I got home from work.  Never.  I had a temporary fix of not thinking about him, which was drinking a lot, but until this past summer when I decided to get my head on straight, I finally worked on getting over it.  

It wasn’t easy to not call him that night after a few glasses of wine.  It wasn’t easy to not drop by with a batch of enchiladas for what would have been our four year anniversary.  It hasn’t been easy trying to find someone who makes me laugh the way he always could.  Nothing about this has been easy.  I wouldn’t have learned anything if it was easy. 

What has this taught me?  People in love are fucking nuts.  When I finally told my dad about why we broke up my dad said “You can’t be lazy in love.”  I respect that so much, Big Guy.  Love takes time, work, sweat, tears, laughs, kisses, hugs, good times, bad times, and if you walked away at every challenge, you are being lazy in love.  When you’re in love you should always take into consideration how your actions towards your companion will make them feel. 

Do I want to fall in love again?  Yes.  I miss being in love, but I only fantasize about the good parts.  I constantly forget the hard times.  I can’t, will not, let myself be lazy in love. 

So am I ready for fall back in love? No way.

Posted on Tuesday, October 19 2010. 

All Was Good In The World, When You Were In Love

What do you do when it’s just not there anymore? You love this person so much, and hold on tight to them for so long, and you realize, you just can’t do it anymore. All is good in the world, when you’re in love. What do you do now?

It all starts with the first date. You have butterflies in your tummy as they buy you your first drink. You give each other googily eyes in a dive bar and stand so close to each other you can feel their body heat. You have that idiotic smile that you can’t put away. You laugh and flirt over a couple beers and go back to their place. You’re a lady, so you don’t go inside. But you make the first move.

Chemistry. Fireworks. Whatever is it you feel, you know it. You know it. It just hit you in the head like an anvil in a cartoon. That kiss was meant to last a lifetime, unfortunately, you have to go home.

This is the kind of love that recognizable from the start. You start to spend all of your weekends with him and his friends. They’ve accepted you, which is always a chance to catch your breath.

The next few months are a total blur. All you know is at 5 o clock and work is done, you can only think of being with them. As long as you are in their company, you’re going to have a good night.

When the time is right and you’re sure of it, you start talking about how there’s something you want to say. As if that didn’t give it away, they make you say it. In a buzzed slur, you whisper I love you for the first time. All is good in the world, when you’re in love.

You live in this giddy world for as long as you can. Outsiders call this the honeymoon stage. You think it’s going to last like this forever. You still have that smile from the dive bar. When you wake up next to him, you have those butterflies too. All of your dates are spent arguing over who’s going to pay, being silly and sneaking your own debit card, and pre ordering movie tickets. Writing love notes on napkins and coasters. Sneaking kisses in public. Singing cheesy songs to each other in the car, and remembering lyrics that remind you of them.

The first fight always feels like the last straw. You don’t want it to be, but it feels like it. All of the sudden they become a real person, with flaws, and for the first time, you both don’t agree on something. Your world has collapsed. But wait, this isn’t the end. You make up with a solid kiss and that same dive bar smile. All is good in the world, when you’re in love.

You realize after a year, how easy it was to love this person and you hope for many years to go. You love their flaws, and when you don’t agree, it’s not a big deal. You move past it. You still want to be around them all the time, and you are learning each others boundaries.

Another year has gone by, and you realize it’s still easy to love them, but you’ve come to more obstacles. You argue more about who puts in more effort rather than who loves each other more. But still, you keep truckin. Everything worth anything, is definitely worth fighting for.

Three years. Three years have gone by, the ups out do the downs, and you’re still fighting for what you think you need to fight for. You both have made some sacrifices and both have put some things on the back burner. Also, you have both learned to put other things in front of each other. It hurts, but its worth fighting for. Going away on trips seems to put a temporary band aid on the problems, which is fine, till you have to take it off. Every knows that taking off a band aid is painful. You start to feel uneasy around them, arguments blow up from every comment made. You think its you, you work on you. You think it’s them, they work on them.

How did you get here, I don’t know, but the love is gone. As much as you wanted it to work, as hard as you tried, it’s just not there any more. It’s not the same feeling. Neither of you light up when you see each other anymore. You say, I love you, mostly because it’s routine. Songs don’t remind you of them anymore. You start to feel lifeless. You’re in a catatonic state of mind when you’re with each other. You fought for it, everyone around you can vouch for you. You know they did what they could too. Life is hard, man. Your schedules are conflicting, your new job is harder than you thought, and way more time consuming than you thought. (You gotta pay the bills though) Life happens. You want to be with your family on the holidays, they want to be with theirs. Why couldn’t there be a compromise? Who knows. You’re both stubborn. The only thing you can agree on is that it’s over.

All was good in the world, when you were in love.

::this was written January 8, 2010::